Twisted Pleasures of Warped Minds
by highpockets
Summary: One morning Dante wakes up with a hangover, no memory of what happened the night before, and the surprise of a lifetime cuddled up next to him. Dante/Vergil/Dante. Yaoi and Twincest warnings! ON HIATUS
1. A Rude Awakening

Twisted Pleasures of Warped Minds

WARNING: the contents of this fiction might make your heads explode or drool and pant. It has language (Fuck yeah!); hot, hot, yaoi (that's sex between men to any noobs out there); and delicious twincest (and again that's sex between twins to any noobs, double the fun); humor that will make you crap your pants; some weirdness, but not crack because its got some plot, form, and order to it; if you don't like any of this then what the hell are even doing here?!, if you send any flames just to insult me or yaoi fandom in general, etc then you will go on my wall of shame in the authors post script at the end, constructive criticism with pointers on how to improve myself without insulting me is more then welcome.

DMC 4 SPOILER ALERT!

It doesn't tell you where the hell Nero came from or if he's an incarnation of Vergil, and with that sequence where Nero gets his DT I think capcom is totally setting up for 5. So for now this will be my version of Vergil's return

END SPOILER!

Disclaimer: I do not own or make any profit on this, the rights belong to capcom, and capcom, all I ask is that you please don't make anything like devil may cry 2 ever again. It sucked.

Chapter One

A Rude Awakening

The sun was shining in a perfect blue sky. The birds were singing there praises to the day, and down a street, in a building, with a sign called _Devil May Cry_, Dante was awakening at the crack of noon. As his mind was slowly pulled from sleep, his first thought was, 'Fuck the bastard that invented mornings.' Dante was still in his bed when the hated sun shone through his curtains and straight into his eyes. Groaning in pain, he shut his eyes, and his already throbbing head, turned into a splitting headache.

'Uggh, hangover. How much did I drink last night?' Taking a few minutes to let some of the morning fog in his head to clear, he finally noticed his surroundings... like the warmth of another body behind him. 'Ok Dante, you brought someone home with you. Now lets turn around and open our eyes and pray to god, Satan, and pizza and beer that you didn't fuck some ugly troll last night.' Opening his eyes and shielding his eyes from the bright and happy sun, he felt the body next to him shift. The body in question spooned up against him and put an arm around him. A muscular arm. A _man's_ arm. 'Oh shit. please tell me that I did not bring home dude. Damn, how wasted did I get?' The flat and muscular chest snuggled against his back dashed away any hope he had. The half used bottle of astroglide sitting on the nightstand brought him a sense of horror, 'Oh crap, if I had butt sex with a man last night, I swear I will never drink again. Wait a minute, if I did do anal with a dude, why isn't my ass sore?'

Turning around, he could feel the sense of dread in his stomach, or hunger, which one he wasn't sure. He took a look at the other person's face... a face he was so familiar with, because it was a mirror of his own. 'Vergil?' once that thought entered his mind and was fully processed, the fog in his head immediately cleared, and his mind came to sudden, screeching, crashing halt. He could not think, his mind deciding shut down. All he could do at that moment was stare in shock at his sleeping twin brother. Dante poked him in the face, as if trying to determine if this is real or that maybe he was hallucinating. The body called Vergil let out a groan.

At this moment, his mind started up again and Dante realized, with a faint blush on his cheeks, that he was completely naked and so was his twin. His twin wrapped his arms around Dante's back and Vergil turned over, taking his twin with him. Dante, now on top of Vergil, realized just how naked they were, especially when he felt his twin's erection pressing against his own growing erection. Now Dante was groaning in pleasure instead of pain. 'This is so wrong on so many levels.' Dante felt a hand run through his hair and arm pull him closer so that his head was now resting in the crook of Vergil's neck. Dante felt Vergil's erection grinding against his own. Vergil's lips found their way crushed against Dante's. 'What the fuck is going on here?' Vergil's tongue slipped past Dante's lips, eagerly running his tongue against his twin's.

Their erections continued to grind against on another and Vergil's lips were nibbling his ear and licked a trail down to where his neck and shoulder met. Vergil's hands were running down Dante's back, continuing their trek south. Dante let in a sharp breath when he felt a slick finger brush against his entrance. The finger entered him, brushing against the sweet spot inside him that made his whole body tremble with so much pleasure.

The fog in his head created by lust cleared when Dante heard his brother's voice whisper into his ear, "Good morning Dante, did you sleep w-" Vergil was cut off when Dante punched him in the face. Hard.

"OW! What was that for?! Is this how you normally greet people in the morning?" Vergil looked up at Dante his eyes narrowed in anger, Dante's eyes were wide with more anger and much confusion. Dante took a deep breath and let out barrage of questions. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! HOW DID GET HERE?! ARENT YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD?!"

Vergil's anger disappeared, replaced with confusion, "Dante, don't you remember last night?" Some of Dante's anger disappeared trying to remember last night, but only drawing a blank. "Ummm, no. What happened?" Vergil sighed and sat up, "It's a very long story, brother, but there was a lot of alcohol involved."

"Tell me. How long can it be?"

"Alright I'll tell you, but first I need coffee. Its going to be a long story." Vergil sighed again and got up out of bed and headed toward the closet with a distinct limp in his gait. realization to his unanswered question finally dawned on him with glee he shouted, "Hey Verge! Who bottomed last night?" Dante got the pleasure of seeing his older brother blush a pretty pink whose only reply was, "Just shut up and get dressed." With that he took out of a pair of silk kimono style robes, one blue and another red and threw the red one toward Dante. Dante caught and looked at it in confusion.

"I don't remember ever owning this. Is this mine?"

"Yes Dante it is, we went shopping, right after that fiasco. It was bought with your money, hope you don't mind." replied Vergil as he put on the blue robe. "Fiasco?" Dante put on his red robe. It felt very soft, comfortable, and, "Vergil this feels expensive. How much did this cost?" Dante took a closer look at what he was wearing, the masterwork quality was obvious. "Oh, together these only $140." With that reply Vergil limped out of the room.

"What!? I don't have that much money to splurge on clothes!" Dante ran out of the room to strangle Vergil, but stopped dead in his tracks at what he saw. Piles of gold coins covered the floor. Fine jewelry, from rings to crowns to necklaces in every style, every precious metal, and gems imaginable were scattered everywhere. On the pool table was a leather suitcase. Dante walked over and opened it. It was filled with $100 dollar bills, there must have been at least $10 mil in there. Vergil came out holding two mugs of coffee, "32.4 million in that brief case, and another 20 million lying around somewhere around here, probably under one the mound of coins. Do you think you can afford these robes?" Vergil handed him one of the mugs. Dante took it still in shock, "I guess I'll be able to pay back all that money I owe Lady, and a few others. So where the fuck did all this come from?"

"Like I said it's a long story, here have a seat." Vergil pointed at the sofa. Dante sat down. Vergil took a seat next to him. "So, tell

what you do remember, I know your not the sharpest tool in shed, but your not that dull." Dante glared at him and gave him the finger, "Fuck you." Vergil simply gave Dante that smug look on his face that always managed to piss him off, "We already did that last night and almost again this morning if you hadn't punched me in the face." Vergil stared at Dante with eyes dark and glazed over with lust, Dante himself could feel his dick getting hard at the look, as if his body was remembering something that his mind for the life of him could not. Vergil was leaning in closer, Dante could feel their thighs touching. Suddenly Vergil put a hand on Dante's thigh, traveling closer and closer to his groin.

Dante was thinking fast, of something, anything to escape this weird... hell, there wasn't a word that could describe how weird this was getting. Looking at his empty mug of coffee it dawned on him, an escape, "Vergil, I'm going to go get some more coffee. Be right back." Getting up quickly, Dante then ran into the kitchen. Dante let out a sigh of relief, "Damn, this day just keeps getting weirder and weirder." Dante looked around the kitchen looking for the coffee maker only to discover the ugliest, the weirdest, the gayest thing he has ever seen.

It looked remotely related to a coffee maker, but so much... _tackier_. It stood about two and a half feet tall with two halves. The upper half had a robotic android in a mauve and aqua colored suit covered in gold glitter and the widest grin stuck on its face. The bottom half what was barely recognizable as a dispenser but, instead of regular nozzles it had cow utters. There was handle you pulled down to get what you wanted, it was a gold, twelve inch dildo covered in gems. The sides had matching mauve and aqua colored cow prints to go with the suit. Above the dispenser was a menu screen and buttons covered in gold glitter. On the screen was the words in a mauve color in bubble letters were, "Love Liquids version 69".

Dante stood there, his eye twitching in anger at having this _thing_ in his kitchen. It was ugly, it was weird, it was really, really, gay. No scratch that last part, gay men have too much fashion sense to allow this thing in their home. It's eyes opened up and spoke in a loud, cheery voice with of course a lisp, "Good morning! What can I squeeze out for you, this fine morning, master Dante?" As it spoke it's grinning teeth lit up. Dante just continued to stare at it in anger and horror, 'I thought that Jester dude was annoying but this thing takes the whole cake.' Dante shouted in a loud voice, "VERGIL! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING DOING IN MY KITCHEN?!" Dante heard his brother pop into the kitchen, "I see you've met our new beverage maker, though you've used it so far to drink beer until you puke." Dante's face lit up in utter joy, "It makes beer?" Vergil sighed, "Yes, it makes beer, it makes lager, it makes vodka, it makes rum, it makes tequila, it makes any liquid substance you can think of, even tit juice from any mammal." Dante looked at the ugly thing in thought, "Alright it can stay but where did this hideous thing come from?"

Vergil answered, "It was made by a man by the name of Dr. Feelgood." Dante couldn't help but snicker, "Dr. Feelgood? I should've guessed it judging from the ugly coffee machine."

"Yes brother, I know he had strange name, but it suited him. Dr. Feelgood was as brilliant as he was... eccentric would be the polite term."

"You sound like you know this dude."

"Yes, he was the one that found me, treated my wounds and nursed me back to health, but that's a long story that I will tell in a moment." Vergil turned to the ugly machine, "We will need two cups of green tea, two sugars served hot with a Tylenol for Dante, and oh, and Dante brace yourself, it sings." Vergil took two clean mugs and put it under the utter shaped nozzles, and pulled the dildo shaped lever. Then it made a sound, it was to Dante's horror singing Macho Man complete with music. "Vergil! Make it stop or I'll destroy it!" The repulsive machine stopped miraculously. With a calm expression and only a hint of a smile, Vergil simply said, "I did warn you, now lets start our story with what you do remember." He took the two mugs and went back to the couch.

Dante sat down wracking his brain for what he could remember.

"Well?" Vergil asked impatiently.

Taking a sip, some memories came back to him, "Well, verge, I remember sitting at my desk with a lot of bills piling up, when someone with a job for me walked in."

_To be continued…_

Author's Post Script

Ok this is my first fic, my muse gave me this idea 2am and wouldn't let me sleep until I wrote down an outline to turn into a fic later.Anyway I played and beat DMC 4 and I rather liked it the devil bringer was so cool, but it made me lazy, I didn't have to walk to enemies anymore.

Wall Of Shame: that's right flamers if you want insult me, yaoi fans, DMC fans or just be an asshole then I will put your review that _you_ wrote with my own condescending commentary added and your user name for all to read then point and laugh at you without mercy.

Replies: this where I reply to everyone else that was kind enough not to be an asshole and shit all over everything. This is also where I shower people with my gratitude. While flames are most unwelcome, just remember that constructive criticisms is, you know pointing out mistakes and suggestions on how to improve is welcome.


	2. Demons, Devils, And Double Ds

Sorry I did not update as soon as I had expected, but life interfered. I came down with a nasty cold and had to move into my new house. I also thought I had a beta reader but, I never heard back from her and got tired of waiting. Well here's the next chapter not as long as I wanted but here you go.

Disclaimer: I do not own Devil May Cry, or its characters. I am just borrowing them to subject them to my own brand of insanity.

Chapter Two

Demons, Devils, and Double D's

_Last Chapter…_

_Dante sat down wracking his brain for what he could remember. "Well?" Vergil asked impatiently. Taking a sip, some memories came back to him, "Well, verge, I remember sitting at my desk with a lot of bills piling up, when someone with a job for me walked in."_

In the Devil May Cry establishment, Dante was taking his afternoon nap with a magazine over his face, feet on the desk, and his numerous bills piling up had created a nice cushion for his feet. Dante woke to the sound of the front door, which meant, 'either I have a customer or Lady is here to squeeze more money from me.' He waited for the familiar words being screamed at him of 'where's my money, pizza freak?!' but it never came. Taking a look at the person, the first thing he noticed was a pair of gigantic boobs that were almost popping out of a white low cut blouse. Dante continued to stare for a while, when he thought he heard the words "My face is up here."

'Jackpot! Talking tits!' Dante thought, but then remembered that boobs don't normally talk and he looked up. The woman had flaming red hair, and a pretty face. She wore a seemingly warm smile on painted red lips. She sat on the desk, leaned over a little so that it gave a generous view of her goods. "Well, I'm glad I finally got your attention. You must be Dante, the devil hunter. I'm Kate, and I am in need of your assistance."

Dante put on his trademark smirk on his face, "Well, if involves slaying demons and other things then you've come to the right man." Kate giggled and put a hand on his, "Well there might be other things involved if you're good, but I have a demonic infestation I need to get rid of." Kate reached into her pants, Dante grinned, unaware of the bait he had taken, "You're a hot babe but, I want cash since that's what pays the bills." Kate pulled out a thick wad of cash and giggled again, "Of course I don't expect you to work cheap, here's $2,000 as a down payment if you take the job. You'll get $250,000 and maybe something else if you finish it."

Dante got out of the chair and grabbed his trademark red coat, "I'll take it, so where to?"

Kate slid off the desk, her face looked serious, "There's a large yacht that was partly owned by Dr. Feelgood, my mentor, near here. He occasionally used it as one of his labs. We were doing very important research on marine life and I guess we sailed through demon infested waters and we were attacked. I escaped thanks to him but I don't know if he did or if he's even alive. Either way, that boat still has the data on the research we were doing and most likely a lot more demons. That's were you come in. Any questions?"

"Yes, how far is it from here? And how do we get there?" Dante asked

Kate replied, "Its about fifty miles from here and we go by boat. So let's get going, I want to retrieve that data as soon as possible." Dante was a little suspicious but he did not let that show, 'She's hiding something from me but, I need that money.' Dante felt the wad of cash now in his pocket and looked at his foot cushion made of bills, 'besides this job can't be any worse than Temen-ni-gru or Mallet Island.' Dante cursed to himself for jinxing it with that thought.

Dante grabbed his faithful guns ebony and ivory and grabbed Rebellion. He looked at his wall, 'Now what to take.' He finally decided on Alastor and Sparda, 'I'd better take Sparda, just in case I run into trouble or Lady. Knowing her she's on her way knowing somehow I've got money.' With his devil arms strapped to his back he and Kate walked out the door.

As if by some dark magic or by sheer will of every god that hates him, there was Lady at the end of the street, on her way to the Devil May Cry. Dante could hear her shouting at the top of her lungs, "I KNOW YOU HAVE MONEY, PIZZA FREAK!" Panicking, Dante grabbed Kate and threw her over his shoulder like a sack of rice and took off faster then a six year old at the sight of a syringe. Kate was not happy and shouted in Dante's ear, "What the hell are you doing?!" Dante flinched and shouted back, "We need to haul ass and fast before Lady over there catches us."

Dante scrambled into his car, throwing Kate into the front passenger seat. He took a quick look into the rear view mirror and saw Lady aiming her Kalina Ann. "Oh shit." Dante said, and started the engine and slammed on the gas.

After ten minutes, and three red lights that he ran through, he slowed down. When Lady was a safe distance away, he breathed a sigh of relief. He noticed that he arrivedat the docks with good time he turned to his passenger, "Well, we're here. Now lead me to which boat we're taking." Kate was still clinging to the door for dear life and nodded weakly. She got out of the car and led him to one of the boats.

What Dante did not notice was the malicious, almost demonic smile that was on her face. The thought that went through her head matched her expression, 'All is going according to plan, I'll have what I want and the son of Sparda will be dead before sunrise.'

_Back to the present…_

Dante sat next to Vergil who looked rather miffed, "Well Dante, I see you remember that red headed slut, but tell me if you remember anything else or did I not leave as big an impression in your depleted memory as her." As he spoke, he looked as if he swallowed poison.

"Awww, how cute, is that hint of jealousy I detect?" Vergil looked away so Dante couldn't see the pink color that was spreading across his cheeks but, no such luck. The moment Dante caught glimpse of pretty pink he burst out laughing, "Ha! You are jealous." Vergil's face was now the color of his brother's trademark coat and shouted angrily at Dante, "Do you remember anything else or not?!"

Dante's laughter finally died down though a big grin remained, "Relax, Verge, as a matter a fact I do. I remember you now. I remember finding you on that boat."

_To be continued next time in:_ The Naked Reunion of Vergil.

Author's Post Script

Alright people I'll say this again, this story has sex between men who are twins. If this disgusts you, THEN PLEASE LEAVE. Don't leave a flame saying you've been scarred for life.

I also realize Dante and Vergil were OOC, but that was on purpose. There is a whole gap of story missing between the canon most of you know and chapter one. This is meant to keep you guys interested to see what incited such changes between them in later chapters.

Well anyway, you people are probably going to hate this woman, since she was inspired by my older brother's ex-wife. Dear god was she evil. My poor brother still has nightmares about those three months of marriage. Well readers review and tell me what you think!

**Wall of Shame**: this is where flamers go. Since I do not want my wall of shame to be longer then the actual story itself, it will be reduced to just my condescending replies. Let's see what we have this time.

**Elijah Jacob**: You're a dude, aren't you? You answered with some manners and a little constructive criticism so for that I'll give you some credit. I have to ask you though, if you find yaoi or sex between twins disgusting, then why did you read this story despite my warnings? Is there something you're not admitting to your self?

**Reviews**: this is where I reply and thank those who were kind enough to read my story.

**Seasnake**: I'm so happy you liked it. Where would then fun be in being sane? XD

**Shinsei Fenikkusu**: Thanks, I'm happy I made you laugh.

**Star of the Morning Light**: Thanks for the laugh, Vergil did bottom but he'll top later on.

**IHeartDeidaraSan**: sorry for the wait, this story won't end for while, don't know how long though

**RavenGhost**: Vergil's story will be coming in a later chapter just not next chapter.

**TehAwesomeness**: I'm glad some people understand that this is for entertainment purposes and not supposed to be accurate but, if you look at the wall of shame not every one can understand this. Thanks for laughing.

To everyone one else: thanks for reading and the favorites! I'll be back soon!


	3. The Naked Reunion of Vergil

Disclaimer: sigh, I guess I have to do this, I do not own Devil May Cry or it's characters that belongs to Capcom, so please don't sue you won't get a dime from me no matter how hard you pimp slap me, I can't give what I don't have.

Chapter 3

The Naked Reunion of Vergil

_Last Chapter…_

_Dante's laughter finally died down, "Relax, Verge, as a matter a fact I do. I remember you now. I remember finding you on that boat."_

It was about one-thirty in the afternoon when Dante and his companion arrived at the coordinates. What Kate called a yacht Dante would've called it a barge, 'This thing is fucking huge for a so called yacht, looks like an oil tanker with some paint slapped on. This means finding the lab will take some time, crap.' As if reading his thoughts Kate spoke, "The lab with research data we want is on third level down. That place is still infested with demons so you'll be going alone I'm afraid."

Dante didn't like the sound of that, "Alone huh? This is starting to sound better and better." Dante, like almost every man, loved flattery and Kate knew this. She gave him one of her seemingly warm smiles and placed a hand on his chest, "You're one of the strongest warriors I know and, very handsome too. I think you'll do just fine. Look for a pink laptop with flower stickers on it and bring it back here. I wouldn't stand a chance against those demons."

And Dante fell for it, "Alright babe, I'll do it." Dante climbed the ladder that led to the deck. When he got to there he saw dozens of demons, sins and a hell vanguard by the looks of them, lunge at him as he looked over the railing. Dante leaped away at the last second, jumping on the blade of the hell vanguard's scythe and kicked it in the face and knocking it into the other demons, slamming them against the railing of the ship. As the demons were getting up, Dante shot the hell vanguard in the head with ebony and ivory. The force of the bullet's impact knocked it into the water. The other demons charged at Dante. He leaped over them and sliced them all in half with Alastor with one horizontal swing, with electricity dancing off the sword and through their nerves. The smell of burnt flesh and ozone permeated in the air.

Dante walked over to the door that led into the lower levels of the ship. When he opened it an awful stench assaulted his nose, "Oh dear god, it smells like skunk going out on a hot date."

The stench in question was the remains of the dead crew, some of them were picked clean by demons, and the rest were half eaten.

Dante walked down the hallway and he noticed the horrible décor. The walls were painted in many different colors, lava lamps and disco balls lined in rows against the walls and ceiling. The carpeting was an ugly orange. Dante continued making his way down the hallway, 'so where the hell is this laboratory anyway?' And in reply to his question, a flight of stairs marked laboratory in bubble letters was on his left, 'Wow that was easy.' When he got to the second level of the ship, Dante noticed the same horrible décor and dozens of demon corpses covered the floor. What he found was disturbingly familiar; the demons looked like they were cut neatly by a judgment cut technique. He knew only one person who used that style, 'No, it can't be, I saw him die on Mallet island.' This filled him with both dread and hope.

He found pieces of a once black shirt covered in blood, it looked like a scythe vertically sliced down the previous owner's back and left random horizontal slices in the front. Dante found bloody foot prints leading down the hallway. He saw parts of the wall eaten away by acid and more demon bodies with the same neat cuts. He found a pair of pants that was corroded by acid. The footprints lead to a steel door marked, "Restricted Level, Do Not Enter!" Dante noticed a camera above the door. As Dante got closer he heard a mechanical female voice say, "Facial recognition system initiated, processing…" After a few seconds he heard the voice confirm his suspicions, "processing complete, welcome back Vergil." The door swung open and Dante ran through his heart racing in anticipation, 'Vergil's alive?!'

He walked over more demon bodies. Somehow they got past the door and Dante did not even considered that someone could have let the demons in, his only thoughts were of that of seeing Vergil. Racing down another hallway he heard the sounds of fighting and a familiar voice letting out a primal roar. He raced toward the sound of his twin's voice, excitement filling up in his chest. He ran past a door that was hanging off the hinges and stopped dead in his tracks at the sight he saw. His eyes were misting up.

His brother, his twin, his only family stood there in all his glory, very much alive. Vergil was covered in blood, holding a bloody katana and as naked and dirty as the day they were born. His eyes were alight with madness and bloodlust. Long gashes that would have killed a lesser man had already closed up. He watched as Vergil plunged Yamato into the chest of the demon and swung it around in circles before slamming it into the wall, killing the demon.

Vergil must have sensed Dante because he charged towards Dante bringing his Yamato down vertically intending to slice him in half. Dante brought rebellion up blocking it, the sparks flew off the blade as one refused to give in. They were once again locked in a battle, an eternal cycle of blood and blades. Dante looked into Vergil's eyes; the bloodlust and madness were still there and no spark of recognition. Dante remembered their constant battles, the thrill of fighting him and the excitement it brought fighting him, his own twin. It was a unique feeling of ecstasy, twisted sort of pleasure, that even the girls from his favorite strip club, Love Planet, never could give him. But now he remembered that he disappeared, permanently he thought, from his life last time they locked blades.

Dante had suddenly come to an epiphany, 'I don't want to fight him if it means that I have mourn him again and again, even though fighting him is more fun than Oktoberfest and strawberry sundaes.' Dante came to a decision, he would not be letting go of that prissy bastard brother of his so easily this time, "Hey Verge, if you don't snap out of it, I'm going to have to knock you out and drag you to my home by your hair like a cave man getting food or married."

The bloodlust disappeared from Vergil's eyes and they widened in recognition. Vergil finally spoke in a horse voice, "Dante? Is that really you, brother?" He let his grip on Yamato relax and drop to his side. Dante, overjoyed, pounced on Vergil, embracing him tightly as their entangled bodies fell to the floor, "Dude you're alive! You're alive! You're naked…" Before Dante could get off Vergil, he felt two arms encircle him. A loud silence followed, finally Vergil spoke up, "'You're naked' is all you can say? Have finally decided to rescue me from this ugly pink hell?"

Dante looked at the room they were in, pink and white lace everywhere. There were little tables with doilies and flowery tea sets. The walls had English rose style wallpaper, and Barbie posters. There was a canopy bed in the corner, with hot pink sheets and white lace and ruffles. Dante looked back at Vergil with a goofy grin, "Wow Verge this must be your room, I know pink is your color, but seriously who sleeps here? It must belong to some guy's daughter or something."

Vergil looked away and muttered something, "What was that Verge? I couldn't hear you."

Vergil said again a little louder, "It's mine, this room I mean." Dante blinked, then his face was red from trying so hard not to laugh, then he failed utterly and rolled on the floor laughing his ass off. Vergil's cheeks were now the color of his room and he growled out, "Stop laughing! I didn't choose to decorate a room that looked like Barbie had taken shit it in it." When Dante finally calmed down, he asked more questions, "So what happened to you? I thought you died on Mallet Island." Vergil sighed, "I tell you that story later, its long one. But demons attacked this place, it was an organized strike and who ever lead this attack was after someone or something. Demon after demon was sent at my direction as you may have noticed I have survived their attacks but my clothes did not and there is no spare clothing here that I can stand."

Dante asked "So if this is your room, then where is the laboratory?" Vergil raised an eyebrow, "What brought you here if not me?"

"Oh I was hired to retrieve some of a Dr's research or something. This woman is paying me a lot of cash for this job, but anyway do you know where this 'leader' is?"

Vergil looked back at Dante thoughtfully, "Yes actually but I did not get a good look at him, he struck me from behind after his cronies surrounded me, then he ran away like a coward. That was one, maybe two, days ago. I have been defending the lab since, keeping the demons out."

Dante raised an eyebrow, "Why would you defend a crazy coot's lab? I can tell by the guy's decorating sense that this guy was koo koo for cocoa puffs."

"Well let's see, because that mad man had many dangerous things in the wrong hands in that lab." Vergil replied.

"Anyway Verge, I need to get into the lab, where is it?"

Vergil walked up to one of the Barbie posters, pushed against it revealing an entrance, "Dr. Feelgood permanently sealed off the main entry but left this way open, I should warn you this place beyond this point is booby trapped." Dante snickered at the word 'booby' and Vergil of course rolled his eyes at Dante's immature behavior.

They continued on into a hallway with equally horrid decorating tastes as the rest of the ship. Vergil stopped at a teal door labeled with sheet of notebook paper, 'the science room'. "Alright Dante, this is the lab." He opened the door and Dante was surprised at what he saw, a normal looking lab save for a few lava lamps. It was a stereotypical science lab, with black counters, glass beakers and immaculate tiled floors.

When the twins walked into the lab, one of the computer screens came to life. On it was a man in his mid-forties, he had sandy blonde hair down to his shoulders and he looked like he never shaved a day in his life, half his face was covered by hair. He had a tie dye head band and coke bottle glasses held together by duct tape. He spoke in a calm mellow matter, "Greetings, the earth says hello. I'm hoping this message will reach you Daisy." Vergil growled at that last word, curious Dante asked, "Who's Daisy?" Dante was cut off as the man continued to speak, "Daisy if you are watching this message then my soul is probably one with mother earth. My only request from you is protect my creations from the evil one. Also, Daisy, or Vergil as you prefer, go and let your spirit be your guide."

Vergil growled out through clenched teeth, "Even in death he still calls me that horrid name, but he did save my life the least I can do is fulfill his last request." Dante was grinning, his stomach was hurting from trying to contain his laughter, "So Daisy was that Dr. Feelgood?" Vergil blushed and growled out, "Yes, and if you call me Daisy again I'll re-acquaint you're stomach with Yamato." Dante just laughed, "Sorry Verge, it's a manly name, really." He held on to the counter laughing his ass off and suddenly he spotted the reason he was here.

On the counters in front of him was a pink laptop with stickers on it. When Dante walked over to pick it up he noticed a faint hissing sound. Dante searched for the source of the sound, a tank with a puncture. He picked up the tank and noticed the worn label, 'Methane'. His eyes widening, he quickly grabbed his brother's arm and dragged him to the door only to find it locked, "Oh shit!"

Dante and Vergil heard the deep cackle of a demon and saw a grotesque arm covered in sparse clumps of red fur and scales from the shadows. In it's hand was a lighter and it dropped to the floor before it disappeared along with the hideous laughter, the flames roared to life enveloping the whole room and the twins.

The flames died down as quickly as it appeared and Dante heard laughter coming from his brother. "What's so funny, Daisy?" Vergil calmed down and replied, "Well dear brother, this is just like the day when we were born, we're both dirty, naked, and you're late showing up." Sure enough Dante was buck naked and covered in soot, apparently his clothes burned off but Sparda's blood kept him from getting a scratch. "God damn it! I just got my coat dry cleaned."

Author's Post Script

I would like to apologize for its lateness, I have no excuse but. it's a lot longer than the last chapter. On another note no flames this time around, I guess I scared off them off so no wall of shame this time.

I would also like to thank the following people for their kind reviews: DirtyVelvet, SoulReaper71, shiroyuki004, Accursed Silent Hill, Seasnake.756, TehAwesomeness, IHeartDeidaraSan, RavenGhost, and everyone else who read it. Also I may or may not stick Nero in this story, that's gonna be up to you the readers, so review and tell me what you think of inserting Nero (apologies to all my fellow perverts, but not like that).


	4. Beware of Blue Jello

First off, I apologize for the lateness but my grandfather died and I was too depressed to write anything funny. Then my computer died and had to get a new one, unfortunately my new computer had vista on it. Whatever you do, DO NOT GET VISTA! I'm serious, vista sucks ass, don't get it. It's not worth it.

_Last Time… _

_The flames died down as quickly as it appeared and Dante heard laughter coming from his brother. "What's so funny, Daisy?" Vergil calmed down and replied, "Well dear brother, this is just like the day when we were born, we're both dirty, naked, and you're late showing up." Sure enough Dante was buck naked and covered in soot, apparently his clothes burned off but Sparda's blood kept him from getting a scratch. "God damn it! I just got my coat dry cleaned."_

Chapter 4

Beware of Blue Jell-o

"Well Vergil, I think someone wants us dead. What do you think?" said Dante sarcastically. Vergil looked thoughtfully at his brother, "Dante? You said you came here with someone, right?" Dante's eyes widened in enlightenment, the kind you get when you realize that the hooker you got last night may have taken both your kidneys as well as your wallet. "Aw shit, I can't believe I got suckered in by a pair of gigantic boobs! What the fuck was wrong with me?!"

While Dante was ranting, Vergil was staring at his brother's body; his twin's body that was symmetrical to his. Vergil was lissome in a delicate way like that of a swan or a crane. Dante was just as graceful as himself but in a rougher more brutal and wild way but nonetheless just as lithe as himself. He took in the sight Dante's back, despite the ash and soot he could see how smooth and soft his skin looked. His eyes wandered down to his twin's ass, he found himself watching the two shapely globes wriggle back and forth in a hypnotic trance as Dante kept talking. Vergil snapped out of his trance when he heard his brother's voice, "Are you even listening to me Vergil?" It was then Vergil looked up at his twin and gave his very intelligent and eloquent reply, "Huh? Sorry, did you say something?" Dante turned around and raised his eyebrow, "Yeah, I did. Were you staring at my ass?"

Vergil said with a pink tint to his cheeks, "Maybe, but your ass was staring at me first. It's very distracting." Dante looked at his brother dumbfounded and in a rare moment he was at a loss for words. It was like he was in the twilight zone or maybe he was smoking something weird. Dante took a good look at his twin wondering if this isn't some trick or mirage. This was no trick for something within him, a primitive instinct or something deep within his soul told him this was indeed his twin. Dante took in his twin's body. A perfectly sculpted chest, like soft cream-colored velvet over steel, just like his own body, every muscle cord was packed with power. Hell, even Vergil's dick nested in white hair was… And with determination and shaking his head Dante yelled, "That does it! I don't care what this weird ass guy has; we need to find some clothes!"

~*~

Vergil dragged his brother back to the horrifying pink room, "The demons destroyed and ravaged most of Dr. Feelgood's room and other rooms that might have normal clothes, but most the articles of clothing he had weren't much better the selection we will have here." Dante saw his brother open the closet, Vergil was on his hands and knees' digging through the closet for something; his ass was in the air swaying back and forth as he violently threw random things out of his way. Dante couldn't help but think impure thoughts involving the well shaped ass waving provocatively in the air; he wondered how it would feel beneath his hands. His mind was clouded with lust once more as his hand reflexively reached out to touch the object of his thoughts. Closer his hand reached, he could feel the heat coming from the other man's skin. The creamy flesh looked soft and smooth… suddenly Vergil stood up, feeling Dante's hand brush up against his ass.

Vergil turned to look at his twin with a raised eyebrow and his familiar sagacious gaze; Dante's face looked like that of a deer caught in headlights. Vergil simply looked at his brother with a questioning gaze and a pink tint to his cheeks. "Well," Vergil started rather uneasily, "was there something you needed?"

Dante swallowed feeling nervous, 'what the hell is wrong with me?! Vergil is my brother! My _twin_ brother! I should not want to play a game of grab-ass with him, hide the devil's arm in his gut maybe, but not grab-ass!' Dante after a moment finally spoke to Vergil, "no, not really, did you find something in the closet?"

Vergil nodded and bent over once more, to Dante's extreme delight and distress, to pull out a simple large wooden trunk. He opened the lid and stepped aside for Dante to see. Dante looked into the trunk and what he saw made him grin in delight.

It was BDSM gear.

There were leather harnesses, vinyl skirts, black leather corsets, leather gloves, thongs in many colors, fishnet stockings, tool belts stocked with condoms and lubricants, crops, whips, collars, leashes, and a two pairs of knee-length black leather boots.

Dante turned to his brother, "Wow Verge didn't know you were into this sort of kinky thing. At least it isn't a frilly little sundress."

After the two got dressed in matching gear and managed to strap their devil's arms to their backs, Dante looked at his brother wearing the same bondage gear as himself and wondered aloud, "Holy fuck do I really look like someone going to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show?" Vergil gave an exasperated sigh, "Well Dante, that's one way of putting it but I was going for transvestite leather hooker, but just don't sing or I will have to kill you."

Dante gave his twin an evil smile and started singing,

"I'm a sweet transvestite-"

"Dante, stop it or I'll-"

"From transsexual-"

"slice you in half with Yamato-"

"Transylvania – ow, that hurt damnit! "

Dante's breathe was knocked out of him when Vergil gave him a hard punch to his gut. Vergil gave his brother a sharp look when he saw his brother started laughing, "come on Dante, we need to get moving. This room is making nauseous."

~*~

Dante and Vergil walked through the hallway in awkward silence, stepping over demon carcasses littering the hallway; the stench of blood and something else was heavy in the air. Dante trailed behind Vergil doing his best to keep his eyes from wondering down his twin's back, his attempt failed spectacularly. His eyes were glued to his brother's sculpted ass like kid watching Saturday morning cartoons on TV. He even started to drool in his hypnotic trance. He could feel his groin wake happily at the sight of his twin's ass swaying salaciously. Dante bumped into Vergil as they came to a halt in front of two wooden doors.

"This is the kitchen, though I should warn you, this is one of the most horrifying rooms on this god forsaken ship." Vergil cast his eyes down his brother, and Dante could feel the heavy weight of gaze stare at his groin. Dante saw a smirk on his brother's smug face, that at that moment he wanted to punch.

"My, my, Dante, what do we have here? Can't you handle a few demon pheromones?"

That last part got Dante's attention, "what do you mean pheromones?" Dante's raised voice laced with his extreme frustration echoed throughout the hallway.

Vergil's smirk faded and was replaced by a raised eyebrow, "you mean to tell me that you are so thickheaded that you can't tell the smell of demon pheromones? And here I thought you were a devil hunter. It has a subtle but distinct smell nonetheless. A demon has been purposefully exuding pheromones in this place and the smell attracted demons to this place. The stinking carcasses we've been stepping on are demons that fucked each other to death."

Dante looked down and noticed the compromising positions the demons died in.

"Is that why they're not sand?"

"Yes, when they manage kill themselves in a mating frenzy like this, the carcasses stay around for the newly spawned demons born from this atrocious and disgusting ritual to feed on. This sort of thing usually only happens in hell, which brings up a few questions as well as answers to some questions I did not want to ask."

"Huh, I knew they used humans for the same thing but usually low level demons or simple zombies are created, you know non threatening and one hit kill stuff."

"Unfortunately for us demons that use other demon carcasses for spawning purposes spawn higher level demons then the ones that died, the more powerful the demon carcass used the more powerful newly spawned demon. So we will have our hands full soon if we don't destroy the corpses we've been using as carpet."

"So, Verge those demons were attacking you, were trying to…"

Vergil spoke in voice so icy one would think it could freeze hell "Yes, they _tried_ to mate with me but I proved to be too strong a prey. They only succeeded in getting my clothes off by burning them off with acid. The day I spread my legs for a weakling is the day hell gets an ice-cream stand."

Dante looked down at Vergil and noticed that unlike him, his thongs were not stretching. "Hey, how come the pheromones aren't bothering you?"

"We are half demons, our human blood dilutes the effect the pheromones from absolutely crippling to a very strong nuisance. That and I picture getting a spanking from Jester." Dante's face wrinkled in disgust, "eww, well that killed my erection. Let's see if that kitchen has any pizza or beer, I'm getting hungry." With that Dante pushed the doors open and winced his eyes from the blinding horror of the kitchen in front of him.

The counters, the tables, the fridge, the stove, everything was decorated in gold glitter and a metallic hot pink finish. The floor was tiled with mosaic suggestive looking flowers. The only redeeming feature of this kitchen was the fact that it was clean and did not stink of blood and demon mating spunk.

Dante spotted the fridge; it was taller then him by about three feet and matched the kitchen. It was covered with unicorn magnets and rainbow stickers. When he opened it he found nothing but a lot of blue Jello crowding every shelf, and on the shelf door reserved for eggs was two unappetizing black eggs. "Hey Verge! I think this weird ass guy was crazy about Jello and exotic bird eggs." Vergil was immediately at Dante's side, his eyes wide with horror, with a quite but clear voice he said, "That's not Jello, those are explosives." His head snapped to the eggs and his hand quickly snatched them before slamming the fridge shut, "You've got to be kidding me! He hid these in with that exploding jello of his?!"

Dante looked at his brother, his curiosity piqued, "Vergil? You said the Jello exploded? And what's so special about those eggs?" Vergil handed him one of the eggs, Dante looked more closely at it. It was softer then an egg and had two barely noticeable oblong buttons on either side of the egg. Vergil suddenly spoke, "these are monowire weapons, you squeeze them to activate them. And the Jello in the fridge has to be kept cool, when it reaches room temperature it spreads into a gas and then explodes, it packs more of a punch then C4, there's enough in there to take out this entire boat."

Dante was grinning at his new toy in his hand, when squeezed it something like energy in a black and purple glow burst from the egg and took on the shape of a whip. It was sinking into the floor where it landed slicing through the mosaic tiles as if it were only air. Dante squeezed the egg again and the black energy was gone. Dante had the look of kid on Christmas morning. "Sweet! This thing rocks! I am so keeping it, thanks Verge!"

Vergil smiled contently when he saw how happy his younger brother looked, "You're welcome Dante, I will be taking the other one, and you can have the one in your hand. Fortunately for us I actually read the user manual to this thing before some idiot tripped the fiery booby trap that destroyed it."

"Wait a minute, you actually read the manual to something and understood it? Nobody ever reads those things because they're always written by some jerk off hooked on a number of drugs and in written in a language he can't speak making those god awful manuals unreadable."

Vergil smirked at his brother, "well Dante I guess that means I'm smarter then you." Dante glared at his brother before Vergil continued, "As I was saying, the buttons on the side are to control the length and hardness of the weapon." Vergil activated his monowire whip and with deft efficiency sliced through the glittering cabinets. The whip flew in the air like a black ribbon fluttering in the wind, he then held out the black egg for his brother to see. "You take your thumb and forefinger and rub it along the sides here to make it _longer_ and _harder_ until it's as straight as an iron rod and at this point you can then _thrust_ it into the core of your target."

Dante could feel his own weapon between his legs getting longer and harder at Vergil's suggestive words until the thongs slid uncomfortably off his erection. "Vergil you bastard, you're teasing me on purpose."

His twin looked at him with an evil grin and a voice tinged with sarcasm, "why Dante I don't know what you're talking about, I have absolutely no idea why you would get hard at a time like this." Dante watched his twin trying his best to hold back peels of laughter and he could feel his lust and anger burning in him, "Two can play at this game Vergil!"

Vergil was too busy laughing at his brother that he was caught off guard at what his twin did next. Dante pounced on Vergil, pinning him on the floor with Vergil's wrists in his hands. Dante's legs kept Vergil's legs from kicking him. Dante leaned closer to Vergil's ear, his lips brushing against Vergil's jaw. Dante's tongue came out from behind soft lips to taste the shell of Vergil's ear. Beneath him Vergil's body flushed and shuddered with pleasure. Dante's hips pressed against his twin's growing erection and rubbed his own erection against Vergil.

Vergil's mind was filled by that fog of lust and ecstasy, to his great shame and great pleasure his cock got harder and harder from his twin's pleasurable ministrations. Dante's lips sucked and nibbled his twin's neck as he thrust his hips against Vergil. Vergil finally lost control and grinds his erection against Dante's. Vergil's lips met lips exactly like his own. Their tongues entwined and explored the other's hot mouth. They broke off the kiss and they were panting hard.

Dante's hands let go of Vergil's wrists. His arms were suddenly wrapped around Dante and lightly scratching his back. Dante's hands grabbed their erections and pumped them as their hips easily found a rhythm grind against on another. Vergil was sucking on his twin's neck and Dante was nibbling on Vergil's ear. Vergil's hand wandered down Dante's back. Just as his hand had found what he was seeking, a sword of blue energy whizzed past Dante's ear nearly scaring the younger twin out of his thongs and out the door.

They heard a shrill scream of pain and Dante's eyes widened as he saw the red headed woman who hired him looking none too happy. She had a hand over her bleeding shoulder. She looked at them with a black hatred in her cold eyes. Vergil smirked and stood up, "well there she is, the bitch queen herself." Dante stood up next to his brother, "trying to catch us with our pants down eh? So Verge, who is she really?"

The woman with red hair answered for him, "I was Mundus's consort and the power behind his throne. Before Sparda got soft I was one of the many she-demons vying for his attentions but in the end he chose that human whore that was your mother. It gave me so much pleasure killing her, unfortunatly I was not able to find her two brats at the time, but I'll fix that soon enough" Dante shook with red hot anger and Vergil seethed with a cold fury. They both reached for their weapons only to find them missing. The woman laughed, behind her was a black tentacle holding their weapons, "I grabbed these while you two were too busy humping each other to notice." She disappeared in inky colored wisps of smoke before their fists could connect with her face.

She appeared behind them, the twins just dodging her fists that slammed into the wall behind them. She turned toward them; her skin fell off her hands revealing ugly warty skin beneath. She then let out an unearthly howl as her skin bulged and burst forth like putting too much air in a balloon revealing a creature of unimaginable horror. A huge demon that stood thirteen feet stepped away from the empty shell. It was the most horrifying creature they had ever seen. Her once beautiful face now resembled that of a mutated dog with four sinister glowing red eyes on stalks like a snail's and long bloody fangs.

Dark red scales and huge boils sparsely covered her body in huge clumps. Her scaled arms and legs ended with vicious black talons and leathery wings sprouted from her back. Her breasts were covered with hairy warts and sagged so low they resembled pendulums.

Her groin was mass of wreathing black tentacles with vicious spikes. A wide mouth within the nest of tentacles opened up and revealed hundreds of sharp teeth dripping with acid and blood. In the teeth was a human arm. The stench was overpowering, like rotting human carcasses with a hint of brimstone.

She spoke in a deep booming voice that sounded like rocks grinding against one another, "My name is Lillith queen of all demons. I will devour your body and make a wind chime from your penises."

Dante could feel bile rising in his throat, "damn you are ugly, when they said beauty is skin deep, they weren't kidding. I don't think I'll be able to have erections for at least ten years."

Vergil wasn't better off, "I'm surprised father was able to get it up after seeing what you look like, but seeing as we exist our mother must have been very skilled in the bedroom more so than could you could ever hope to be." That comment enraged the demon and it lunged at Vergil, Dante snuck up on her and with a dildo in his hand he hit her on the head with it. Vergil used a bottle of the Astroglide on the floor around her feet.

She lunged at them and fell comically on her face; the twins used this opportunity to get their weapons back. The twins stepped on her head and reached for their swords. The demon was quicker however and disappeared in a wisp of smoke. In the corner black smoke appeared and two tentacles appeared with two black eggs. Vergil used his summoned swords to slice the tentacles off. The black eggs dropped to the ground. Dante grabbed them and tossed one to his twin.

The demon emerged from the shadows; the tentacle at her groin opened up and spewed acid the smell was almost enough to knock them out. The twins dodged it and activated their monowire whips. The black energy flowed like water, cutting the demon's tentacles; it let out a howl of pain.

The twin brothers looked at one another with a knowing glint in their eyes. The weapons in their hands were hard as a steel sword and together they shouted, "Jackpot!" The black energy extended and thrust into the demons groin and out of its mouth. The demon Lillith let out one gasp and spew acid out it's mouth and toward the fridge. She laughed manically before falling to the ground dead.

Vergil's eyes widened in horror at the blue Jello falling out of the useless fridge, "oh shit, Dante we need to get off this boat!" Dante had already gathered their swords off the floor and was heading out the door. Vergil was quickly at his brother's side and grabbed his hand, "come on I'll lead the way."

Seconds later they were on the deck of the ship, they searched for the boat they came on. The twin could see a blue gas creeping behind them, they found the boat Dante came in on and jumped off the deck of the ship and on the little boat. Vergil found the keys still in the ignition and floored it.

They were half a mile from the ship when the whole ship exploded. The twins could see the whole thing erupt in flames, lighting up the night sky. The twins breathed a sigh of relief and looked around the tiny boat and noticed the piles of money and jewelry.

They saw what looked like a mutated coffee maker decorated with about as much subtlety as a Las Vegas casino. It then spoke up in a lisped voice, "would anyone care for some juice to suck on?"

Dante could see a vein on his twin's head throb and heard him say, "I can't be rid of this thing, can I?"

_To be continued…_

~*~*~*~

Author's Post Script

Well hope you guys aren't too angry at me for waiting for so long to update this, This chapter was a little rushed so I could get this to you in time for Christmas. Thanks for all your reviews and merry Christmas. I think for writing this, I'll be on Santa's naughty list and flogged then eaten by the Krampus. If you don't know what the Krampus is, google it. Trust the germans to come up with a really kinky Christmas tradition.


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